Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Today is a good day with a chance of a sliver lining.
The past four years have been one loooong row of some hard hoeing for us,leaving us tired, worn out and wondering how we are going to make it.We've been living upon a choppy sea of medical ups and downs with Issac, trying to make sure we all stay afloat,trying to avoid sinking and making sure that Sol isn't lost in the chaos that can be life.Recently Chance and I fell overboard and gave into the sea of tears that needed to be cried.Tears of frustration,guilt,worry,a few angry ones and many that just felt good to let come rolling down.
Crying did not change anything but it did recenter us. It helped me let go of some habits I have become a bit O.C.D with over the winter,habits that made me wonder if I was going mad.Not mad,just trying desperately to feel like some part of my life was under control.I had become a bit like those funny cards you see with the 1950's clip art but with some smart mouthed line dubbed over.The smiling housewife dreaming of cocktails or telling her family to make their own damn dinner.Realizing my life was becoming one of those cards was eye opening especially when I remembered the one that hangs on my friends fridge that reads "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life" See, I had been manic when it came to cleaning the house,so not me,but there I was looking for control.I kept thinking if the house is perfect no one will know things are really falling apart.
I then realized I needed to stop and think.It was one of those moments of calm and it was as if the universe was tapping me on the shoulder saying "Wake up,Sleepy head." I found the universe tapping me again when I read Margaret's postings here and here . The first post left me wondering "Hum? Where did my dreams go? Do I have dreams anymore?" The second left me thinking about the past four years.About the choices we have had to make as a family to do what was right for us.Hard choices, that hid my dreams beneath a mountain of doctor bills.
I have decided to take Margaret's advice and not let go of my dreams,they are a gift to be kept.And the later part of paragraph three of the second posting gave me lots of food for thought.The past four years have been about home,family and getting through but, it dose not have to stay those three things only. I don't have to feel torn (the word Torn is in the title of the book in the second posting and is so perfect to me) and guilty. My conflicting feelings of wanting to be home to care for my family but needing to work so my family can keep going can make peace with each other.
I did remember what I was dreaming of and working on fulfilling when all things went to hell.I was working towards a degree in Art Therapy and have probably a year and a half maybe two of schooling to go.I remembered how excited I was to be at school working towards my goal.Excited to be working towards something I am passionate about.Today I start the process of returning to school to make it to my dream.
I know I can do it. I have learned so much about myself in the past four years.There is my courage to just keep pushing through it, the other side will come at some point.Through building up our homestead I have learned there are many ways to take charge of your life that enable us to care for ourselves.I have learned that some days you can only do what you can do,as long as I gave it my best its all good. I have learned the mantra "Today is a good day" taken from an ad for the hospital Issac was at.I now know that when my house is spit shine clean I need to stop and look inward,some thing is a miss.
Have you ever had one of those times when you don't really know why now is the right time but it just is?That's where I am,it is just time to get back to school. I guess letting four years worth of tears roll helped me let go and be ok with all of it. Issac's health will be what it will be and the doctor bills will someday be paid off. Today is a good day and remembering my dreams is the silver lining.